I Became a Stepmom to 3 Kids at 26—People Love to Blame Us

When I first became a stepmom, I was a 26-year-old, childless bachelorette who
accidentally fell in love with a single dad with three kids. I say accidentally because marrying a man with kids was not in my five-year plan. I don’t think anyone dreams of being a stepmom when they grow up.

As a child of divorce and child protection worker with a background in psychology and social service Work, I thought I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to marry a man with three kids and an ex.

I dove in headfirst, determined to do everything for everyone. I was going to be the best stepmom. I was going to solve my husband’s issues, make everything better, and create a perfect family. But stepfamily life is complex. There are many layers. Soon, I found myself overwhelmed, depressed, and resentful.

One day, after having a complete breakdown on my bathroom floor, I decided to go to the internet for support. I was disappointed with what I found. Despite the overwhelming number of positive resources for moms, support for stepmoms was plagued with negativity and ex-wife bashing. I didn’t want to participate in that. I was looking for solution-focused strategies on how to manage it all.

That day, instead of waving the white flag, I decided I was going to do whatever it took to thrive in this role. After a lot of work on myself and my family, I decided to create the type of support I was looking for.

Fast forward to now, through my top charting podcast, signature coaching program and straightforward approach, I’ve supported thousands of stepmoms and blended families in redefining their stepmom experiences.

I’m opening up the conversation about blended family life, and debunking stepmom stereotypes along the way.

When I talk to new stepmoms, it always brings me back to those early stepmom years. The years where I felt the pressures, the insecurities and like everything in my life was out of my control. Stepmoms are struggling. The double standards and mixed messages from society are confusing. The pressure is unreal.

You’re supposed to love your stepkids like they’re your own, but remember, you’re not a parent. You’re supposed to treat them like they are your own children, but don’t overstep. As a result, so many stepmoms feel paralyzed. Damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

Thriving in this role isn’t impossible, though. With a few mindset shifts and strategies, your stepmom experience can be transformed.

Empathy

It’s crucial to be empathetic to the experiences of your stepkids, your partner and even the ex. Everyone is experiencing this situation from a different lens. Like they say, hurt people hurt people. I quickly learned that the happiest moment of my life triggered feelings of loss and grief for my stepkids and my husband’s ex. Remember, having empathy doesn’t mean you need to tolerate disrespect.

It’s Not About You. It’s About What You Represent

The evil stepmom stereotype is still very prevalent in today’s society. People love to hate on, and blame the stepmom. We’re an easy punching bag for unhealed wounds. It’s freeing when you can stop taking this personally.

It’s Not a Competition

Society loves to pit the mom and stepmom against each other. Stepmoms need to unsubscribe from the competition. Even if you don’t see eye to eye with your stepkid’s mom, you’re on the same team. At the end of the day, we’re all here to raise happy, successful and secure children. I learned to embrace my stepkids’ mom’s strengths. We are completely different people. How lucky are they to have both of us in their world?

There is No one-size-fits-all Approach to Stepmom Life

Society loves to tell stepmoms how they should and should not show up. The truth is the stepfamily dynamic is complex, and there are so many unique laws in every stepfamily dynamic. What works for one stepfamily may not work for another. Instead of getting caught up in society’s dos and don’ts for this role, ask yourself, “Is what I am doing working?”

Sometimes Peace is Better Than Being Right

Being a stepmom is a crash course in learning to pick your battles and focus on what you can control. When you’re co-parenting, it can be really easy to get caught up in disagreements and different parenting styles. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Sometimes, peace is better than being right. Do the kids feel loved? Are they safe? That’s all that matters.

Change is On You

Hoping other people will change is not an effective strategy for improving your stepfamily life. Stepmoms are often like, “if only the ex would stop”, “or my partner would just”, “or my stepkids would”—”then I wouldn’t feel like an outsider or wouldn’t feel like I am constantly triggered.”

The truth is, they aren’t going to—unless they want to. Waiting for someone else to change is not an effective strategy for changing your stepfamily life.

I believe that a stepmom’s success comes from your mindset, communication strategies, playing the long game, setting boundaries with love and focusing on the only thing you can control—yourself.

Jamie Scrimgeour is a podcast host, digital creator, and Certified Life Coach with a specialization in Stepfamily Dynamics. She has a BA Honors in Psychology, a post-grad in Social Service Work. Prior to starting her digital platform, she enjoyed a career in Child Protection.

All views expressed are the author’s own.

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